Public or Private

If you’re reading this then that means I changed it back to a public setting. It’s been a week since I wrote the last post and I was OK with it, but by the next morning, panic had set in.

I started doing all the things that I had done for years that had kept me silent. Wondering about what others would think of me and what will my husband think. I just couldn’t have it out there and so I changed it from public to private. It pisses me off that I am still feeling the shame. Fuck! Will that ever go away? As I write this right now, it’s still private.

That last post took a lot out of me and it’s taken me a week to even get on here. There’s so much more I need to talk about, to write about, but I also need time to process it after I do it.

I don’t know what happened to the little girl who lives next-door to me. I don’t know if she’s still alive today or not. What she did to me was so wrong, yet it had to have been a learned behavior and like I said before, I’m positive there were things going on in that house that should not have been happening. I can only imagine what she was experiencing firsthand.

If she’s still out there and maybe stumbles across this, I want her to know that I forgive her and that I hope her wounds have been healed.

Still hiding.🤦‍♀️

Comments

Let the grooming begin

This past month has been quite the eye opener. Since my last post I have seen my new therapist twice. I like him. I think he was a little shocked when I gave him the short version of my crazy life, but it was also very helpful. I'm doing two group therapy sessions each week. One is for PTSD skills and the other is for Depression. Not gonna lie, I hate online classes of any kind. It's just weird because no one has their cameras on. Feels very impersonal. My therapist recommended that I concentrate my efforts on what is being taught and not so much on the environment. Good advice! Well enough of that, where did I leave off? Oh yeah, the neighbors moved away. They literally moved the entire mobile home out of the space and that was it, they were gone. It wasn't that long after that a new mobile home was moved into the space and a married couple moved in. They didn't have any children, but they were very friendly. The summer after they moved in, their niece came to visit.

Day 2 Is anybody out there?

By the way, did I mention I hate waiting? Didn’t hear back from anyone today. Seriously having an argument with myself about whether or not I should contact them tomorrow. I guess I’ll give them one more day, then I am contacting them. Honestly, I bet they’re really busy. I should have patience but anyone who knows me knows that’s not one of my strong suits. Have you figured out what’s going on yet? I keep debating on whether or not I should give you more details. I think what it comes down to is that I’m still procrastinating. For some reason I think it’ll be easier once I’ve gotten the phone call. OK, I’m going to give it one more day and no matter what, I’ll start sharing my story. Damn, this isn’t going to be easy.

You gotta start somewhere

So I did a thing today. It’s been a long time coming, but I know I’ll never mend if I keep going on as I have. God, it was so hard dialing the phone number. I literally made myself physically ill; my stomach was in knots, I kept having to use the restroom, and I had no appetite. But that wasn’t even the worst of it. The old feelings of anxiety we’re trying so hard to rise to the surface. I hate fucking anxiety! As soon as the person answered, I knew there was no going back; I had to move forward. Of course, after almost 15 minutes waiting on hold, I find out that I needed to send an email. I have to admit, I did consider ditching the whole idea, but I put my big girl panties on and I wrote the damn thing. Man, I really hated seeing it staring back at me in black and white, but I hit “send”. I got a response pretty quick. It was pretty cool that they recognized how hard it must have been for me to write the email and they assured me that they would forward my request to the right p

Slightly Frayed, In Need of Repair

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