Slightly Frayed, In Need of Repair

There are so many different ways an abuser can groom a child. I can't speak to all of them, but I can share with you how my abuser groomed me. Building trust is key and having their niece, who was the same age as me come to stay for the summer was the beginning of building that trust. It was a perfect opening for having me come over to their house. We got along great and I remember being somewhat in awe of her. She seemed so much more mature and worldly to me and I wanted to be just like her. The neighbor's mobile home was pretty cool. At one end, there was a full bar. I remember we would sit at the bar and feel so grown up. There were books on how to make cocktails and the bar was stocked with a huge variety of alcohol, liqueurs, and mixes. One day I was asked if I would like to be the bartender and make drinks for the adults. I thought that was the coolest thing ever. He walked me through on how to make margaritas and then encouraged me to taste it, "just to see what it ...

 This past month has been quite the eye opener. Since my last post I have seen my new therapist twice. I like him. I think he was a little shocked when I gave him the short version of my crazy life, but it was also very helpful. I'm doing two group therapy sessions each week. One is for PTSD skills and the other is for Depression. Not gonna lie, I hate online classes of any kind. It's just weird because no one has their cameras on. Feels very impersonal. My therapist recommended that I concentrate my efforts on what is being taught and not so much on the environment. Good advice! Well enough of that, where did I leave off? Oh yeah, the neighbors moved away. They literally moved the entire mobile home out of the space and that was it, they were gone. It wasn't that long after that a new mobile home was moved into the space and a married couple moved in. They didn't have any children, but they were very friendly. The summer after they moved in, their niece came to visit. ...

  Before I tell you what happened on this particular night, I want you to know that I have been procrastinating for several days. These next words are going to be some of the hardest I write and I  have to warn you that what I will be sharing may be disturbing to many. In fact, it should be disturbing, because this never should have happened. I am telling my story, not for you to feel sorry for me, but because I need to heal. I need to stop feeling guilty for something I never asked for. I need to not feel shame or embarrassment because of the events that took place. I need to be able to tell that little girl that it wasn't her fault. I need to move on and stop letting this have power over my life. And maybe, just maybe, my words might help someone else. As best as I can remember, I was 9 or 10 years old on this particular evening. If you read my previous entry, then you know I had a neighbor next door that I had become friends with. I don't remember the specifics, but on this...