The night that changed everything.

Before I tell you what happened on this particular night, I want you to know that I have been procrastinating for several days. These next words are going to be some of the hardest I write and I have to warn you that what I will be sharing may be disturbing to many. In fact, it should be disturbing, because this never should have happened. I am telling my story, not for you to feel sorry for me, but because I need to heal. I need to stop feeling guilty for something I never asked for. I need to not feel shame or embarrassment because of the events that took place. I need to be able to tell that little girl that it wasn't her fault. I need to move on and stop letting this have power over my life. And maybe, just maybe, my words might help someone else.

As best as I can remember, I was 9 or 10 years old on this particular evening. If you read my previous entry, then you know I had a neighbor next door that I had become friends with. I don't remember the specifics, but on this particular evening, I had been invited to to sleep over at her house and this was the first time. I couldn't tell you what we did that evening, but one memory that stands out was that she only had a twin bed. No big deal, right? Two little girls sharing a bed, just like some siblings might have done.

I wish my memories were clearer, but I do remember getting into bed and we might have been playing pretend, I'm not 100% sure, but the next thing I know, she is putting her hand down my underpants and starts touching me. She also told me to be real quiet. I remember being scared, but also feeling this strangeness throughout my body and then my whole body kinda shivering. She then took her hand away and that was it. I had no idea what had just happened. It felt wrong and right all at the same time. I was so confused. The next day, nothing was said, I went home.

I honestly have zero memories of her after that night and I know it wasn't long after, they moved away. I don't know if I have blocked out memories, or if there are none to remember, but what I do know is that what happened that evening would be nothing compared to what was coming.

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You gotta start somewhere

So I did a thing today. It’s been a long time coming, but I know I’ll never mend if I keep going on as I have. God, it was so hard dialing the phone number. I literally made myself physically ill; my stomach was in knots, I kept having to use the restroom, and I had no appetite. But that wasn’t even the worst of it. The old feelings of anxiety we’re trying so hard to rise to the surface. I hate fucking anxiety! As soon as the person answered, I knew there was no going back; I had to move forward. Of course, after almost 15 minutes waiting on hold, I find out that I needed to send an email. I have to admit, I did consider ditching the whole idea, but I put my big girl panties on and I wrote the damn thing. Man, I really hated seeing it staring back at me in black and white, but I hit “send”. I got a response pretty quick. It was pretty cool that they recognized how hard it must have been for me to write the email and they assured me that they would forward m...

Public or Private

If you’re reading this then that means I changed it back to a public setting. It’s been a week since I wrote the last post and I was OK with it, but by the next morning, panic had set in. I started doing all the things that I had done for years that had kept me silent. Wondering about what others would think of me and what will my husband think. I just couldn’t have it out there and so I changed it from public to private. It pisses me off that I am still feeling the shame. Fuck! Will that ever go away? As I write this right now, it’s still private. That last post took a lot out of me and it’s taken me a week to even get on here. There’s so much more I need to talk about, to write about, but I also need time to process it after I do it. I don’t know what happened to the little girl who lives next-door to me. I don’t know if she’s still alive today or not. What she did to me was so wrong, yet it had to have been a learned behavior and like I said before, I’m positive there wer...

Still so innocent.

To be so innocent, so unaware of the evil that was so cleverly disguised. How I wish I could go back and tell her to be aware, to be on her guard at all times. I was in the 2nd grade when this picture was taken and it would be 3 more years before the first incident took place. When I think back on everything that I have experienced, it almost feels as if I'm looking at some Lifetime drama movie of the week. Seriously, this can't be my actual life. I mean, how much crappy stuff does one person have to experience. There's a reason I decided to start my story at age 7 instead of 9. This was about that time that the teasing began. As you can see from the picture, I was a chubby kid and that makes you a target for people to make fun of you. I've never understood why people think you're not as smart, just because you're overweight. It was even worse since my last name was Baker. I still hear the taunts, "Bake me a cake, as fat as you are!" I tried not to le...

Slightly Frayed, In Need of Repair

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