The night that changed everything.

Before I tell you what happened on this particular night, I want you to know that I have been procrastinating for several days. These next words are going to be some of the hardest I write and I have to warn you that what I will be sharing may be disturbing to many. In fact, it should be disturbing, because this never should have happened. I am telling my story, not for you to feel sorry for me, but because I need to heal. I need to stop feeling guilty for something I never asked for. I need to not feel shame or embarrassment because of the events that took place. I need to be able to tell that little girl that it wasn't her fault. I need to move on and stop letting this have power over my life. And maybe, just maybe, my words might help someone else.

As best as I can remember, I was 9 or 10 years old on this particular evening. If you read my previous entry, then you know I had a neighbor next door that I had become friends with. I don't remember the specifics, but on this particular evening, I had been invited to to sleep over at her house and this was the first time. I couldn't tell you what we did that evening, but one memory that stands out was that she only had a twin bed. No big deal, right? Two little girls sharing a bed, just like some siblings might have done.

I wish my memories were clearer, but I do remember getting into bed and we might have been playing pretend, I'm not 100% sure, but the next thing I know, she is putting her hand down my underpants and starts touching me. She also told me to be real quiet. I remember being scared, but also feeling this strangeness throughout my body and then my whole body kinda shivering. She then took her hand away and that was it. I had no idea what had just happened. It felt wrong and right all at the same time. I was so confused. The next day, nothing was said, I went home.

I honestly have zero memories of her after that night and I know it wasn't long after, they moved away. I don't know if I have blocked out memories, or if there are none to remember, but what I do know is that what happened that evening would be nothing compared to what was coming.

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Let the grooming begin

This past month has been quite the eye opener. Since my last post I have seen my new therapist twice. I like him. I think he was a little shocked when I gave him the short version of my crazy life, but it was also very helpful. I'm doing two group therapy sessions each week. One is for PTSD skills and the other is for Depression. Not gonna lie, I hate online classes of any kind. It's just weird because no one has their cameras on. Feels very impersonal. My therapist recommended that I concentrate my efforts on what is being taught and not so much on the environment. Good advice! Well enough of that, where did I leave off? Oh yeah, the neighbors moved away. They literally moved the entire mobile home out of the space and that was it, they were gone. It wasn't that long after that a new mobile home was moved into the space and a married couple moved in. They didn't have any children, but they were very friendly. The summer after they moved in, their niece came to visit.

Day 2 Is anybody out there?

By the way, did I mention I hate waiting? Didn’t hear back from anyone today. Seriously having an argument with myself about whether or not I should contact them tomorrow. I guess I’ll give them one more day, then I am contacting them. Honestly, I bet they’re really busy. I should have patience but anyone who knows me knows that’s not one of my strong suits. Have you figured out what’s going on yet? I keep debating on whether or not I should give you more details. I think what it comes down to is that I’m still procrastinating. For some reason I think it’ll be easier once I’ve gotten the phone call. OK, I’m going to give it one more day and no matter what, I’ll start sharing my story. Damn, this isn’t going to be easy.

You gotta start somewhere

So I did a thing today. It’s been a long time coming, but I know I’ll never mend if I keep going on as I have. God, it was so hard dialing the phone number. I literally made myself physically ill; my stomach was in knots, I kept having to use the restroom, and I had no appetite. But that wasn’t even the worst of it. The old feelings of anxiety we’re trying so hard to rise to the surface. I hate fucking anxiety! As soon as the person answered, I knew there was no going back; I had to move forward. Of course, after almost 15 minutes waiting on hold, I find out that I needed to send an email. I have to admit, I did consider ditching the whole idea, but I put my big girl panties on and I wrote the damn thing. Man, I really hated seeing it staring back at me in black and white, but I hit “send”. I got a response pretty quick. It was pretty cool that they recognized how hard it must have been for me to write the email and they assured me that they would forward my request to the right p

Slightly Frayed, In Need of Repair

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